I have the concentration of a fly

I have the concentration of a fly. The best way to describe my mind in a picturable way is that it is  this universe of planets that have not found their orbit, so rather following a preset pattern, they are as far apart as they can go in their own individual galaxies. I've always had an imagination and that may be the one thing I've been able to keep over the painful years of growing up. In an instant, I can lift myself into a daydream and forget the task at hand. Like now for example; I should be in the process of writing a ten page paper on Serbia but instead am writing this compilation of useless words that are bouncing throughout my brain. Being the perfectionist I am, the likelihood that I'll actually hit publish is doubtful, but I guess I can write anyway. Once I start, I am overcome with an inability to stop. No matter what the topic and how much rubbish is put into it, I need to see the end. I usually write my best when I'm stuck under a time constraint and there is no amount of time in the world that I can spare to listen to the planes pass my bedroom window or stare at the shadows my lamp creates as it hits my bedroom walls. I deal with a major problem in my mind; fleeting interest and intense passion about everything. If I like something, I will do it until I've mastered it and then I'll get bored of it and move on. In sixth grade, I learned how to play the entire level one flute book in a night. I had started sixth grade band a couple weeks late, so behind was an understatement. I probably stayed up hours after my bedtime, but if it meant that I would not be the runt of the group, I was all for it. For that entire year, the flute was my life. I played and played until I was out of breath and couldn't feel my lungs in my chest anymore. I could have been great if I kept practicing with the same passion, but then I got bored. I no longer loved it and so I stopped. I haven't touched the flute since the last day of middle school. It's weird that I played that thing for three years straight and then out of the blue, I stopped, and I don't miss it. I don't miss it one bit. It's weird how you can go from something being your entire life to it being nothing. In my freshman year, I found a new love, poetry. Somewhere out of the blue, I started writing on napkins and in journals and on my hands and on the corner of homework assignments. I would find words in every corner of the universe and was able to put them together in ways that sounded pretty and meant something. I wrote poetry until I was lost for words. I wrote poetry until I had no emotion left to use. I wrote and wrote and wrote. Then, I got bored. I no longer found words in the places I once did, and I haven't written poetry since. And I don't miss it. I loved it so much and at times, writing and reading poetry was the one thing that could cheer me up, and now it doesn't seem to have any affect on me at all. I don't miss it one bit. I was not half bad, and I could have gotten better, but I lost interest and found it in photography from where it went to dance to painting. From there it went to the piano and then it went to Italian opera from where it went to politics. Indecisiveness runs in my blood. It is not that I don't like anything but instead like everything. I can't make up my mind, which is scary because I am constantly bombarded with the question of what I want to do with my life. High school is half through, and I am stuck between a million different roads I could travel. The prospect of a career scares me because the idea of keeping passion in one career seems impossible for me. I wouldn't hate if I was stuck in any road but the idea that I would have to follow it for the rest of my life doesn't sit well for a person that never stays. There is only one thing I know for sure. I want to spend my life making others lives better. I want to help as many people as I possibly can and bring smiles to as many faces as is humanly possible. I'm not looking to have everyone know my name or have a never ending bank account. Sure, I want to have enough money to be well off, but I don't want to use it to buy myself expensive cars or get myself invited to the fanciest parties. If you want that, it's not a bad thing, not at all. I want to use my money for those who need it. I have been fortunate to be given everything that I have ever needed, so I don't need anything more. I myself will never be able to do the same as a donation I could make would be able to provide. That's all I want. I want to be a cause, where the focus goes to the effect.

Xoxo,

Ankita